nicole

holy shit

greatest night EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

Me Love You Long Time by ruby mae
Your name
Your partner
You two are	One
Your meeting was by	Destiny
They are your	Protector
You are their	Shining star
Your love will	Last for all eternity
Quiz created with MemeGen!

today was one of those days that tests the limits of my patience. today was one of those days that my patience with people has run out...

im soo afraid im not going to get into to shippensburg. ive had the application forever all i needed to do was fill it ou make a resume and write an essay. i visited to school and i loved the art program and the town. i think its the fear of rejection thats getting to me. if i never turn in the application i cant be rejected but then again i cant be accepted either. i know it sounds dumb but its a subconscience thing that i do.
anyway dad came home today. his surgery went very well but there is ALOT of fighting at home. i called mom after kickboxing and she said she made dinner but i could go out if i wanted because things are soo bad. so im sitting here feilling out the application writing the resume and the phone wont stop ringing katie kept calling me asking about art history she called like 5 times in 10 minutes, everyone wont stop yelling and i couldnt concentrate... i had a breakdown i start screaming " everyone just needs to shut the hell up i need to write this damn essay" they just looked at me and walked away.

it feels like there is soo much to do and not enough time. i had one of those caffeine over load energy drinks and im still bouncing but everything got done.

its been forever since i last updated

quick recap:
* more drama than you can imagine with that guy from the summer
+ my face swelled up like a balloon for a week b/c of some mysterious allergic reaction
+ fighting with parents more than ever
+ failing art history
+ still havent really started the college stuff
+ homecoming dance
+ dad's hip surgery next wednesday
+ new job
+ mother finding out my BIG secret
+ and ofcourse more of this wedding bullshit

long version:
ive been fighting with this guy since school started. he told all these people im like fucking crazy and i have a drinking probelm... alot of shit was said. and true to my nature i just never confronted him. today was the first day that i could talk to him without wanting to punch his face in. he sat there talking to me holding this other girls hand and i just didnt care... i started working at the pizza place (in major need of extra cash) and i found out alot about him and i was less than impressed. yeah so not soo much with him. it was strange i just woke up this morning and decided i wasnt mad anymore. *theres alot more to the story but most of you know*
anyway my face was sooo swollen for a week. i looked horrible and they couldnt tell me what happened. so i stopped smoking becasue i think that might have something to do with it. because i was smoking like a chimney when it happened.
things with mother have reached a new point of unbearable. katelyn's mom wants to adopt me. theres just alot of stress in the house with my dads surgery coming up so i guess thats not helping. im still not driving b/c of her and its killing me.
oh i talked to the mental health lady at school and she told my mom my secret. i kept that from her for 4 fucking years and this lady goes and tells her. im really upset about it. so you all of you out there dont talk to the mental health lady at school, nothing you say to her will be kept confidential
~nicole~

today is day 251.... im not going to make it to 1 year. i feel myself slipping already. i find myslef creating a stock pile and i dont even realize it.

its a combination of him and my sister. how could someone who made me feel sooo good make me feel this horrilbe. why cant he just leave me alone and pretend like nothing happened. pretend that he didnt use me to get to my best friend, that i wasnt just the cheap whore that he used. why does he insist on hurting me like this. its like he enjoys watching me squirm. todays event just proved that he isnt going to let me forget what happened....

and then theres the whole thing with my sister. i love alicia but i hate what she has become and i hate what dan has turned her into. i hate all the bridesmaid for that email they sent me. i hate how when i make dinner and invite her because i know its her favorite she ALWAYS says no. i htve how she invited herself to dinner wednesday and i cant be here. dad asked me to be nice to her or leave i guess im not going to be here. there is sooo much ive just held my tongue about and i know it will slip.....

because of today, tomorrow maybe day zero all over again

kisses

today is day 235... im not really that proud of myself. ive been coping in other ways that i think are much worse.

anyway i got caught today. i called home to remind mom to pick up the cake for the reunion tomorrow and she said that she was upset with me.... all these things started racing through my mind. turns out she found a bottle of my favorite snapple rum mixture in the fridge and she thinks one of my friends put it there. no one is allowed to come over until i tell her who left it. i cant wait to tell her its mine. alicia left a message on my cell about it. its funny b/c her and my father know the bottle is mine.

anyway....ive basically completely fallen apart mentally. im such a mess right now. i knew he was going to fuck me up like this. everything just felt soo damn right when he held me. he messed around with me to get to my best friend. she doesnt want him and he doesnt want me. he used me to get to her and i thought that he was different. it doesnt even hurt that much. i see him hitting on her and he just looks at me with those eyes like he can see right through me. i was just the stupid fucking whore he used i was nothing more than that to him. and i sat in the back of the pizza place today with my cd player just sketching trying to figure out what to tell mom and he was there. i knew he would be there but it didnt matter. he came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder and actually had the nerve to ask if i was ok.

nicole

at the request of jen here is my schedule

1st: accounting - holloway
2nd: acadeic support (days 2,4,6)- dillion
2nd: lifetime pe (2nd semester days 1,3) - jones
3rd: art history - kerschener
4th: child development (1st semester) - roberts
4th: tech writing (2nd semester) - barry
5th: art studio 4 - burns
6th: us government (1st semester) - whittaker
6th: lit and flim (2nd semester) - dolye
7th: microbiology - ligget
8th: lifetime pe (1st semester days 2,5) - tirone

<3 nicole

work felt really long today. i worked with jim today, i havent worked with him for awhile it was nice. jim always makes me laugh.
after work i went to the soccer game with chirs. i left him there b/c i needed to run to blockbuster to return 'the hours'. it was 7:30 and i realized i had not eaten all day. so i was just going to get a slice to go but i stayed. he was there, ofcourse i knew he would be there. anyway we sat there eating and something about him was different. i dont know what happened, maybe it was lastnight, but everything just felt right for the first time. it didnt feel like i was the cheap whore he was embarassed to be with, it felt like he actually cared about me. he wasnt allowed to go out so i walked him home.
i went back to meet chris but he was leaving. i feel horrible about ditching him. im sooo sorry.
im off to bed i need some sleep. im still REALLY sore from kickboxing on thursday.

today didnt start off too well but it had an amazing finish.
i stayed up late watching 'the hours', so i figured i would sleep in. WRONG. my neighbor thought 9am was a good time to start prying the shingles off his roof right outside my window. i swam in the pool and slept in the hammock all day. i went to the football game and i saw alot of people.
he came home with me. it was perfect. he just held me and we laid there under the moonlight listening to led zeppelin.

<3 nicole

mike and katelyn came over lastnight. we listened to music, roasted marshmallows, and swam in the dark. i didnt think he would show but he did. the three of us were just floating around in the pool and i see this figure coming towards us.... it was him.
mike left at 11. katelyn spent the night, which was nice. i havent really spent much time with her all summer. he stayed until 2. we pulled out the couch bed and he just held me. i didnt want him to leave.

today was day 222!!!!!

<3 nicole